I need serious advice on marriage, divorce, life, and grief. Please please help me?

I am out of answers, i feel i have hit rock bottom....again, but this time worse, it always seems worse. i am 19 years old, and come from an extremely hard child hood. Long story short throughout my child hood iv been physically, ually and mentally abused. My birth mom died when i was 2 and a half, and my birth dad never stuck around to even see my birth.(he was married to someone else at the time my mom got pregnaunt with me, and just left her) Iv always lived in foster care due to my mom's drug habbit, and homelessness, my foster mom that i lived with for 15 years died a few years ago, i still havent gotten over it, i never really grived about it at that time either, and now i am finding myself not being able to go on life with out her, it is just to painfull, on top of my current situation. A year and a half ago i met this guy who i thought was amazing, he completed my life, he was my family, he cared, he loved, and instead of telling me i dont belong here, he thought i was the most specialest person ever. He was amazing, he didn't belive in hitting me like most people belived in. i fell hard for this guy, and he fell hard for me to,(so it seemed) we thought we were so in love, and our theory was why wait to get married, so two months after we met we got married, i know it sounds crazy, but at the time it sounded ,like true love, i was so dumb, blind and neieve. On our honey moon he got mad and hit me in the leg, thebn he said he would never do it again and started crying. a couple months later around christmas time he almost broke my wrist, for a few months after that he would randomly get to mad and some how hurt me. I tried to leave him but he got back into shape and for a good few months he was good, he still would push me away when i wanted a kiss(he claims he doesnt like to kiss) and he doesn like to hold my hand, and he ignores me alot, and says mean things to me, but he wasn hurting me, then 4th of july i had to go to the hospital because i had a concusion becasue he got drunk and pushed me on the ground outside and i hit my head. he said sorry, but then would occasionally continue to hurt me, then he stopped again for a nice few months, then this last thanksgiving morning he was in a bad mood and punched me in the face twice, and a couple times in the arm, i said i would call the cops, then he chocked me(not the first time he has chocked me) so i punched him in the face and gave him a bloody nose, but i felt so bad, but i didnt know what else to do to get him to let go of my throat. i dont know why i feel like i cant leave, i feel i care about him strongly, and i miss and love the guy he was when we first met, and i feel like i could leave, but when it came down to it it is to painfull to actually go through. can anyone please give me advice?